Keep smiling

I met someone today who I knew when I was younger. At least 30 years ago. I  was madly in love with him!! I remember the blonde haired boy I used to laugh with and go on bike rides with. We didn’t have a care in the world, life was so easy. I didn’t suffer with panic attacks or stress. I don’t think anything scared me.  It feels like a Million years ago when I last new peace. 

The person I am now is to scared to drive miles away or go have holidays or days out.  Every time I leave my house I feel as though I have a bungee cord attached to it stretching only so far and waiting to pull me back home. I celebrate visiting my family going shopping and doing the school run as achievements. I know there’s nothing wrong with me but my mind is always whispering, what if you collapse,what if you pass out, what if you stop breathing and I no its stupid but it knocks my confidence. I will never stop fighting these thoughts I will win over them. 

I’m grateful for all the good things in my life. I do miss the carefree girl I used to be and I will never stop moving forward until I have that peace again.❤


Lazy Monday


I love these rare days when you can get up whatever time you want and have nothing planned for the day. I had my morning coffee and didn’t have a clue what I fancied doing. It’s a bit to cold for the garden and the children are all happy doing what they want. It’s amazing how fast time goes by and how I only have the memories of the chaos of raising 5 children as a single parent. They are nearly all teenagers now and I’m so proud of how they are growing up.

I decided to try out some guided meditations and affirmations on the Balance in me website. They have so many to choose from. I ended up feeling fully relaxed for two hours and feeling amazing! I love this website.

What to do now . I think until dinner time when my kitchen turns into a café and I have to cook for the children and my husband I’m going to put my feet up and read my book. I’m going to enjoy this peace I have today and feel  grateful for this life I have. Maybe I can convince the children to have a movie night this evening and we can all relax and spend time together.:) Read more

Woohoooo it’s Friday


I’m feeling proud of myself. My something new this week wasn’t just vegetarian bacon but starting this blog. This has been a big deal for me actually writing and sharing with you. I’m not great with people and I’m very shy but this week I’ve begun to feel more confident and happy with myself. I’ve managed a whole week of no panic attacks or anxiety or fighting my brain when it becomes full of irrational thoughts. I’ve been out and about and not once has it popped in my head that my legs might collapse or I could go blind or just stop breathing. I have had full control .It must sound strange to someone who has never had these crazy thoughts. I no they are completely irrational.

Friday is here again that means a weekend of relaxing with my husband and children. Hopefully the weather will stay nice and I can go plant my new lemon balm herb. I’m sure the weeds have loved all the rain we have had so think I will have lots to do. The watermelon seeds I ordered were delivered today and I can’t wait to get those planted. I’m hoping it will be nice enough to have a BBQ and sit outside with a nice cold beer.

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Trying new things

I have never been good at trying new things and last November I decided to become a vegetarian and stop eating meat and fish. My meal times were basic and boring enough before but now it’s even more challenging to find food I like.  I have got used to the meat free chicken and meat free mince and sausages. That took awhile. I noticed bacon in the meat free section today and got excited.  I used to love bacon so I couldn’t wait to try it. It had to be defrosted in a microwave before I could fry it and I ignored how it looked. It did remind me of shoe inner soles, I didn’t let this stop me from frying it though.  The smell was very strong and as it cooked it looked shiny and rubbery. I couldn’t bring myself to eat it.  I did feel disappointed🙁. I’ve decided on salad and fruit for lunch instead. Tomorrow I will try something new❤

cuddly sleeper


There’s nothing like climbing into bed next to the person you love and snuggling up to their warm body and having cuddles before going to sleep. My husband is one of the lucky ones he can sleep. It doesn’t matter if he’s sitting up ,laying down in the house or in the garden. If he’s tired he sleeps. My husband loves cuddles at night and it doesn’t keep him awake. I can’t sleep like that at all I need my space. I’m already thinking ahead to bedtime when I get up in the morning!! I only allow myself one coffee a day. I keep a journal and write in it every day because I read somewhere it helps people with active minds to help settle down at night and I meditate .While my husband can just hop into bed to sleep I have to have  hot bath with lavender oil  in it to relax and then I get into bed and listen to delta wave relaxation music through a headset for half an hour. All this to get me relaxed enough to doze off!! Roll on the weekend ,two more nights and I can have a big glass of wine and turn off my alarm and have a much needed lay in.:) Cheers Read more

Rays of sun

I love to wake up with rays of sunshine coming through my curtains. It makes me want to jump out of bed and go play in my garden. I only become a morning person this time of year when days get longer and brighter.

First thing I have to do is drive my children to school. The traffic at school drop off and pick up times is always heavy, these are the most stressful times of my day. I cant wait to get home and meditate and feel relaxed again before it all starts again.

Pinterest is one of my favourite time wasters. I love looking through pictures and reading different pins. A few weeks ago I saw a picture of a flower border made up of upside down beer bottles. I loved it so after roping my husband in to help me and start drinking bottles of Stella I finally got it done!! Its taken him a few weeks and I’m hoping he has no long term drinking issues but he hasn’t complained. The flower bed is looking quite bare still but I have lots of seeds i’ve started in my greenhouse which I’m hoping will add amazing colour to it when the flowers grow. The bamboo sticks ,poles and wire mesh are to try and stop my cats using this area for their toilet 😦IMAG0177

where to begin

This is my first time writing a blog .I have  no idea where to start. Usually I’ve over thought things so much that I don’t even begin to try something new.

I’m a 44 year old woman and until August 2015 everyone I knew had no idea I suffered with anxiety and panic attacks. I passed out on my wedding day in front of all my family and scared everybody. They didn’t have a clue what had happened and phoned for an ambulance. Thanks to my mums quick reflexes and catching skills I was unhurt when I fell!! My husband didn’t have a clue what was going on. The ending was happy we did still get married and we have wedding photos with two very nice paramedics in the back ground who stayed for the service. This has made an amusing wedding day story much to my embarrassment. My whole family have been very supportive.

I know i’m not the only person who lives with anxiety and panic attacks and I wanted to start this blog to share my experiences with you and I hope you might have some thoughts you would like to share with me. I have good days and bad but I always stay positive.

I have found ways to cope with my stress levels and i’m always up for trying new things. I found an amazing website called love inspiration and I now try to meditate every day. It is a great way for me to relax. I find most peace in my garden and I can spend hours out there pottering away.

I will say goodbye for now and if you read this i’d like to thank you x